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Sarah Colonna There’s a new study that says women are having orgasms at the gym. Steve Rosenthal Just once, I’d like to close a job interview with, “Sounds dangerous.

Count me in.” Peggy O’Brien Not only am I getting better at Tetris, but I’m loading more dishes into my dishwasher than I ever thought possible.

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Bil Dwyer e Harmony claims that they match people on 34 levels. Johnny Pemberton You know what really pisses me off? Chelsea White I realized that I spend the majority of my income on manicures, hair products and alcohol.

So apparently I’m doing a great job of taking care of the dead parts of me and killing the living parts.

But now I have a new neighbor and every other day she thinks that 3am is a great time to wash a load of zippers, nickels and drill bits, which is always followed by the drying of what sounds like belt buckles, spark plugs and old bike peddles. Dan Soder Crushes never end in a romantic, loving, trusting relationship. Greg Barris My dad is getting creepier in his old age. That is the equivalent of doing a drive-by on a unicycle. One is “29-Year-Old Grandmas,” and the other is “I’m 8 and Late.” Hank Azaria That Tim Tebow sure is something special. I refuse to lie because it just perpetuates double standards. The problem with Shakespeare was always the writing.

I called him when I was walking to lunch in the summer in New York. There’s all these cute girls walking around in short skirts all the time.” And my dad said, “Yeah, and sometimes the wind blows just right.” Piotr Michael Tweeting is so much more fun when you actually hear birds tweeting outside — on their smartphones. He has all the fiery leadership of Ray Lewis combined with the throwing ability of . Dan Curry February is Black History Month, March is Women’s History Month, and April is National Poetry Month, so May must be Leave Maya Angelou The F – – k Alone Month. I fantasize that the cops will stop pulling me over. And flip through the images of the dresses and think, “I wonder what it would feel like to be inside one of those?

Joe De Vito I just pulled a rabbit out of my hat, so I can cross that off my ta-da list. Tompkins Every year, when the President pardons a turkey, I think, Ho ho!

What a hilarious ribbing of a legal system that puts humans to death! But I would never pay for rap music, cause I’m broke.Jeffrey Ross Charlie Sheen, if you’re “winning” then something’s wrong with the f – – King scoreboard. Al Ducharme I live with this absolutely gorgeous woman. Claudia Cogan “Whitney” is shot before a live audience. Brad Trackman My wife asked, “If I died and you re-married and your second wife also passed away, which one of us would you spend eternity with when you die? Good news for women: That’s one more thing you get to Windex! So the next time you complain about your parents not loving you, just remember that they didn’t go to the Supreme Court so they would be allowed to kill you. How come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half? Whenever I’m around black people I find myself talking “black.” Like I’ll be all, “I have a dream” and stuff. Dana Gould With the success of Ultimate Fighting, they’re now re-naming porn Ultimate Getting Along.Rachel Feinstein I saw a guy with a bumper sticker that said, “I don’t dial 911.” That’s a confusing policy What do you do if your grandma has a stroke? Bruce Cherry My girlfriend was found floating in the East River. Judy Tenuta Hey Romney and Santorum, you may only tell a woman what to do with her eggs when you’re ordering the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s! Dan Cummins Some days, I feel like the hardest part of being alive is the fact that most other people aren’t dead. They are: the outer shell, the inner world of lies and my colon. Sean Donnelly You know you’re getting fat when you notice the guy behind the counter at Dunkin’ Donuts got a haircut. Kara Klenk “We must provide closure to a morally complex saga, the fans demand it…” — things not overheard at the “American Reunion” pitch meeting.Phillip Henry This year at gay pride I met a woman who told me I was going to hell for the gross things I do in my bedroom; I’ve never met anyone who hated Netflix and Chinese food so much. Walk me through what happens next.” Louis Katz Whenever I go to a strip club, I only tip the ugliest strippers. And I refuse to pay money to listen to a guy sing a song about how irresponsibly he’s gonna spend my money.Wayne Federman I just saw “Midnight in Paris.” It really made me want to travel back in time. Rich Vos I went into Bank of America to deposit a check and they asked me for ID.Just in time for April Fool’s Day, here are our favorites. I’m not saying the captain has to go down with the ship — but at least get wet! Dane Cook I Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. With me, you’re guaranteed 500 more because of the walk home.

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