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But, he says: “at the same time, there are decent, well-meaning guys out there who want to have meaningful relationships, and who get very sad that things keep going wrong for them, who just need a few pointers about how their behaviour is perceived – and what kinds of approaches would work better; and why.” Perhaps the hypothetical shy, awkward guy in the bar I described at the beginning of the piece is looking for just that, and perhaps he has a better chance of finding it with this framework around him.
Some of the creepier or more aggressive users have been on the more unpleasant websites, and have used the inherent hatred of women they found there to confirm their loneliness.
It can be a downward spiral of misogynistic confirmation-bias. He admits that there are aspects of the community that have little respect for women.
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They stole aspects of neuro-linguistic programming, evolutionary psychology, and some of the techniques of the salesman – the “close”, and so on. They wrote field reports detailing what worked, and what didn't. I put out an appeal online to look for someone who had successfully used negging and would be willing to defend it, and get an immediate response from Dan. “I like to think of it like currency: every insult increases the value of my compliment stock - which I then choose to spent wisely at maximum value and the most opportune moment for maximum effect to make my acquisition.” There it is: “acquisition”. Talk of “targets”, “acquisitions”, “sets” and so on put my teeth on edge.
Language has power, and if every interaction with the opposite sex is coloured by a certain vernacular set – in this case the metaphors are all militaristic or hunting ones, perhaps with video games as their origin – then that is likely to colour the way the people who use it think about women at a fundamental level, even if they did not already think of them in this way. The description might be unpleasant, but what is being described is actually quite close to how ordinary flirtatious conversation works.
“I had been feeling quite low, as had recently ended a long-term relationship, and he came up to me and said something like 'you're a bit less hot than your friend, but it's OK, because I fancy you.' Obviously I am a smart, intelligent, confident and successful woman, so should have thrown something at him; but instead I was charmed.
“Anyway, at his house I found he had a spreadsheet of all the women he was seeing, colour coded with days and nights.
All you need to do is demonstrate social value – you don’t need to lower hers.
For an average girl (6s, 7s), you don’t want to use value zingers.
“Your roots are showing,” he says again, gesturing weakly at her hair. It is about control, putting the man in charge of the interaction by pushing the woman to earn his approval.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating